Come look into the mind of Agent Wraith; a seer of sorts, a jack-of-all-trades, an incorporeal being. You will see his thoughts on humanity, the future, and his undeniable urge to interfere. No humans were harmed in the making of this page.
STOP SCROLLING DAMNIT! I like how it starts out with each entry getting like a sentence or three, then it turns into a symposium.. each entry it's own little rant. Mini-rants.
Heh.
And sometimes the letters get all jibberjabber, like words allsmashedtogether and making the flow all chaotic. You just can't get on with it.
This is important business! Semantic threats aside (Schadenfreudapaloozactoberfestivation! -A popular Übermas expression), I can attend more pressing matters. One of utter importance.
Time Travel.
I came to this understanding today in sort of a profound revelation kind of way. Like pickles. The only thing you can really do with a cucumber.
It was after discovering an argument. If you can really call it that. It was actually a tad trite. Back and forth, until it was clear to be a Battle of Wits. Also, it was conluded that one of the participants was strikingly unarmed. Maybe a little of both. Or maybe tact. It was obviously not the first or last time something similar happened.
Then, it hit me.
"Knowing is half the battle."
I downed two gallons of bleach to get rid of the most awesome-est song in the whole world, which was blasting through my noggin, which just happens to be the opening theme to GI Joe the Movie.. which just happens to be my favotire movie. In the hole world. In the history of forever. And ever.
I came into the game late.
But I havefixed that.
The boys concocted something back in the 40s I've been dying (dead?) to get my hands on. With decades to perform a myriad of batteries of tests, we have finally come to a breakthrough. It's possible.
I discuss it in length in my new book, How Do You Feel? It's part of The RLTT/GP (Real Life Time Traveler/Ghost Person) General Health Series, sponsored by SPECTRE. Ooh, shouldn't have given that last one away. Or the next.
Now, once I have the device/machine/talisman, should I so desire, I can step as far forward or backward as I like. This also brings me to a realization.
This is not my first go-round.
I feel a déjà vu through my waking hours. It's not odd, but I have been here before. Done this, before.
I'm constantly trying to wrap my mind around it, but it borders on quantum theories and pragmatic existentialism that would make even the staunchest Einsteinian blanch. It's too late to turn back now, though. So, press forward I will.
And press forward, I will.
My only reluctance (one I will reject, because I already know the outcome), is that I may go too far. The future is always changing (a little green guy told me once) and you never know what you're going to face upon stepping from the machine. Sure, Beryllium may be from the future.. but does that future still exist? What if we have changed it, simply by her being here now? Hell, couldn't any who oppose her simply set in motion her premature demise? Wait, strike that. I don't want anyone getting any ideas.
What if I go so far, so far into the future, that the Earth simply isn't there anymore? How hard would it be to get back from that? Does it work in reverse?
No matter. Round and round and round we go.
No one every accomplished anything by just sitting around, typing on a blog for most of the night, discarding it, retyping exactly what was written all over again, and then going to bed. Nope. Some of us throw caution to the wind, pull up our fettered trousers, and get on with it.
Here's a good one for ya. Try to stop me if you heard this one.
---
A man walks into a bar late at night, down on his luck from having just lost his job and sits at the counter with a long face.
The bartender puts away his glass (dutifully polished) and saunters up to the newcomer.
"What'll ya have, partner?"
The man looks at the bartender and lowers his eyes.
"I don't have any money."
The bartender looks puzzled.
"If you don't have any money, I can't serve you. Beer isn't free, you know?"
The man, looking more dejected (if that's possible), holds out his hand.
"All I have is this magic rock. Will you take that?"
In his hand is a small (about the size of an egg), blue (almost the same color as the sky on a clear day) rock. The bartender laughs hard at this and doubles over. When his fit expires, he wipes his cheeks of tears and clears his throat.
"No. No, sir. That won't do. You either cough up some dough or I have to put you out."
The man turns on his stool, about to leave, when he turns back and puts the rock down on the counter.
"How about this? A bet."
The bartender grins.
"What kind of bet?"
The man, knowing he's got a bite, continues.
"An easy one. I bet.. I bet that I can throw this rock into the air.. and it won't come back."
There is another fit of laughter; twice as long as the last one.
"Mister, you have got a few screws loose, don't you? Why on Earth would I take that bet? I can't really believe I'm actually humoring you, but do you have anything to put up? I mean, what do I get if I win?"
The man shrugs.
"Well, what do you want if you win?"
The man looks around.
"Okay. If you win, which you won't, I will come to work for you.. for free.. I can make mean cocktails, scrub toilets, swab puke piles--":
"I'm not going to question your work history or anything, right? How do I know if you're reliable? What is too much? Can I tell you to scrub the blood up from the mandatory one murder a year?"
"Now, now. If you dispel it too much, it won't be a joke."
"You're right, continue."
"Okay, so if I win, I get this bar. You can still work here, but it will be for me."
The bartender shrugs.
"I don't know man, that sounds like a lame bet."
"Okay, okay. I'll give you the deed to my house and property, the keys to my car, and give you the number to the only blind hooker in town."
"Deal."
They both head out the back into the alley. The man rubs the rock between his hands, warming it up.
"Come on. Throw it already."
The man looks back at the bartender, grins, then throws the rock with all the strength he has straight up.
For a moment, the rock stays in view in the dark sky. A lit contrast to the blackness.
Then it's gone.
A minute passes and the bartender can't believe it.
"Wow. I guess you won."
---
I never can remember the punchline.
Well, folks, it's only Day 4 of 2011 and already I'm feeling the wanderlust of a new era creeping up behind me like ATF. So soothing to hear throats sing.
If I offend, I do not apologize. Since my transformation, I have a morbid gaiety that others find simply exhausting and repulsive.
I want to touch on a few things, so bear with me and my chaotic fingers. It takes a lot of effort to push myself to do these things, so I hope you'll stick with me for a few.
Resolutions!
Much ado about nothing, really. Such endeavors are saved for the primitive. It's simply an affirmation of things I told myself all 2010. Now summed up into a nifty little (ever growing) list.
Be more resolute. That's a laugh. I should be more concise and clear when issuing demands. The CIA seem to have difficulties in deciphering my Riddler-esque clues. And we're talking Batman: The Movie Riddler. Such a string of thoughts that combine into a coherent direction. So.. much.. reaching. And the acting! .... Superb! Anyways.
Be moreactive. This I can't stress enough. It seems everyone is on my case to be more participator than a spectator. Level 7 keeps backing up, I can't seem to contain leaks on levels 43-61, and there is a disturbance on 19.. more on that later.
Brainwash. That's right. No beating around the bush with the minions, henchmen, plebes, and goons. If they can't grasp the simple concept of Shoot, Shoot Some More, brainwash them until they get it right.
Finish What You Started.There are so many projects going on right now. Hardly any of them have the funding to finish the year, let alone completion. Project Franklinstein was a.. questionable success. So that's one down. Project Pincer won't see any reliable results in the near future (the time table says at least 4 more years), Operation Parade is scheduled for November, The Zombie Apocalypse could happen any minute (if it hasn't been in full swing for years now), and I can't find my God Damned phone. That leads me to my next resolution..
Get Organized. Perhaps a PDA. Then someone to help me program the damn thing. Ooh, I've had my eye on one of those Ipad things. Maybe one of those would keep my event scheduling from getting out of hand. I held together a few meetings in the last month of 2010, but only tenaciously so. I've got a few more in the coming week, I just hold to hope that it doesn't get out of control. I was very close to losing a few henchmen to infighting. That's what happens, I guess, when you mix alcohol and the power to conjure jets of fire from your fingertips. You should see this new guy...
Introduce More Minions. This public face (heh) has seen quite a spike in communique recently. I've compiled the best Mexico and the World have to offer me and tied them together into some loose-knit organization without real direction. Sure, I want to annihilate the human species, but I need humans to build the giant mechanoids who are going to do it. It's a vicious cycle. My henchmen need exposure, though; the better to terrify my enemies into submission before a single punch is thrown. I'm telling you, this new guy makes me want to puke. He's down on Level 7 almost as much as Henchman 22, first to volunteer for Fire Watch, and doesn't ask why. His level of commitment perturbs me. When I think about it, a disturbing train of questions begin.. Why is he doing this? Is he trying to get promoted? Is he trying to get close enough to strike me down? Is he gathering information? Is he a spy? Things like that. And he likes to burn things. That's not all bad. But, yeah, give the minions a few minutes, then put them back to work. That Weather Machine is not going to build itself. (Santa did not bring one for Christmas.. there was no Christmas. Someone must have leaked to him that I don't celebrate it..)
Expand. Reach out more. Reveal more. Like, my origin. Let's take a quick moment to observe and discuss my moniker. Agent Wraith.
Now, I, for one, did not simply reach into a bin labeled Super Villain Name/Gimmick and whatever I pulled out was saddled with. No, it was chosen very carefully.
I was once (and still am in a way) an Agent. I'll keep the agency I worked for mum (clue: We helped stamp out the American Indian problem quite nicely). That brings all the pomp-and-circumstance with it. I can handle (well, maybe not handle) a few dozen firearms in my sleep, surgically precise with a blade, could start a butterfly collection with a roomful of loose specimens and a handful of pins, and could make a frigid Mother Superior reenact scenes from The Best of Jenna Jameson. Well, the last one isn't really possible anymore. Just an incorporeal being after all.. And Wraith. I am in between worlds. I am the next step in your evolution, ape. Not only can I go anywhere (walls, no matter how dense, do not impede me), but I can be anyone. Just a suit for me. I wear your skin and discard it just like changing clothes. Those who have passed are subject to my changing whim. It's not 100%, I've had my battles with more willful specters (like Kennedy), but always unscathed. I've managed to channel a few to hilarious outcomes (that time I summoned Cass was a good one; she didn't get my Cartman impression though). I'm still waiting for the Ghost of Nixon to rear his ugly head..
ML, eat your heart out.
I'd like to think of it like The Carrot. You know, that thing you dangle in front of some dumb animal to keep it moving forward (which can actually be attributed to this list). I'll even let it be caught, maybe even a nibble, just to yank it back and have them press on. I have to push forward, regardless of anyone else doing the work. For my own sanity, I have to. If none of you hold your weight against the coming horde, I will die knowing I did my best. I also die knowing you bastards sent me to my final rest without putting up much effort, assholes. Point! There are so many cookie jars to put my ghostly hands into. Just don't get too greedy. You stretch yourself over too many things and you end up not giving enough attention to them all. That's politics.
NO MORE POLITICS. This isn't the United Nations. This isn't your United States of Whateva. This is MY planet, you disgusting meat sacks. This isn't Democracy. This is totalitarianism. And I alone am the totalitarian. You think you have what it takes to give me a run for my money? I have the most powerful weapon in my arsenal and I'm not talking about my Death Ray. I'm talking about time. I have all the time the world has left (and maybe a bit after it's busted to bits by Apophis). Time travelling is covered later, that's not what I'm going on about. No, no, no. I'll outlive you all. You think I'm posturing? That's okay. It's expected. I will (plain and simply) outlast you all. When you are old, griping about the applesauce in some Assisted Living space somewhere, fighting over the SpectroVision™, I'll be young and spry. No, I'm not immortal. It will end sometime. But, I can guarantee that when this generation (hell, even the next) is old (some of you already are. ML is what 30? 35? Shit, 40?), I'll be able to run-cough-float circles around you. If you have all your mental faculties by then. If your cholesterol doesn't.. meh. And yes, this is called forewarning. I'm going to pound you to paste when you're old. When you're frail. When the terror will be at its peak. Oh, someone help me!There's a ghost from my past come to beat me up! I'm too old and weak to fight back! Good luck convincing the orderly stealing your meds that something is actually wrong. With luck, they'll get to you long before I do. Saves me time. If they rattle your brittle bones and break your trachea, I have one less name to mark off my list. I've been cordial in the face of your stupid rants, your posturing, and your sad pathetic attempt to evoke some reaction out of me. I've taken the brunt of your needless assaults and still stood strong and determined not to change my demeanor. My conclusion? You no longer matter.
Note: Henchman 22 pointed out that I should refrain from delivering such a threat. That, by issuing such a statement could be construed as menacing, terrorism, or worse, egotism. I'm not going to retract my statement, nor will I condone such labels to it. It is a fact. A bold, true fact. You will get old. I will not. I will track you down and make you poop yourself.
Eliminate All Enemies. Another straight forward resolution. From the big ones, right down to the little ones. That RLSH/Vigilante/weirdo who's running around nearby (probably listening in on my late night conversations)? That compulsion to possess a smoker just to feel the slight twinge of nicotine satisfaction? Okay, maybe I'll just keep that one. But everything else? Eliminate it. Distractions? Gone. Dead-weight? Gone. Priorities? Wait. What? Yeah, get rid of everything that could be a potential threat to my inevitable rise...
And if you think I'm talking about you, you're giving yourself too much credit. There is actually a very short list and your name is most likely not on it. You simply do not warrant the time for consideration. And, just to be prudent, there's not a single RLSH/SV on it. If you choose to bring yourself to my circle.. sit your ass down in it.. get comfortable.. then complain when you don't get called on.. fuck off. I would expect the same treatment. I'm sitting in your circle. I'm not complaining either. I like to read, solve puzzles, and enjoy long floats on the beach.
I'm not doing this for you.
I chose to be this way for my own reasons. None of them have to do with you. The only thing that comes close to even relating to you would be the timing. I have been watching for a while now. Yeah, watching. Not just reading the report on some independent newspaper or seeing a bleeding-heart piece (more like weirdo/oddball/cow-in-tree) on some costumed yahoo. I've seen you. Before things like Cons and Expos were part of something other than obscure/indie/subculture phenomenon.
We move forward towards another year and as we do I take in the surroundings and I ponder the future. Isn't that quaint. Little super-heroes..
Anyways.
My resolutions will be forthcoming. But first, I'd like to make a few predictions. I'm going to start slow and try not to use too big of words. You never know who could be trying to read this.
Natural Disaster.
And big ones.
Bigger than we've seen.
Record breakers.
Millions will cross the shroud.
And it still will be a mere dent.
But, it's coming.
Earthquake where you least expect it. Like Greenland.. or Iowa.
One of those big fucking waves.. right up the coast of Africa.
Monsoons. Tsunamis. Hurricanes. Whatever you want to label them (depending on where they pop up).. Earth is going to get them.
And in force.
Mama Earth is pissed.
And she's going to start really taking her shit back.
All that oil you pulled out?
All those minerals you're using for your stuff? Your buildings? Your vehicles?
She wants it back.
Mother Nature, the big bad Repo-Man.
You're in for it.
I'm just glad I'm already dead.
Heroes and Villains as far as the EYE can see.
That's right. I said it.
The tip of the iceberg has been struck ladies and gentlegerms.
They're out there. Just about ready to post that first post.
Maybe to never be seen again.
But they are out there. There will be many, MANY more additions to our ranks. Both good and bad. And I mean that in two ways. One; there will be heroes and villains. Two; some are going to be good at what they do, some are going to be downright awful. But hey, that comes with the territory. Humans handle this crap differently. Some are going to have witty comebacks to all the evil shenanigans and some will only respond with 'Yeah, well, YOU SMELL!'
Oh, prepubescent youth. Takes me back.
Be prepared for this inevitability. Either guide them with a firm hand or crush them with an iron fist. Some may make grand allies, some only fodder for the incinerator (mental note: Have someone check the furnace).
Either way, we're going to see a definite influx of 'new blood'.
Speaking on that.. I want to take a moment to note something.
I've been at this for a while. Yeah, I haven't been 'active' in the 'community' for very long.. but that doesn't mean I just started this schtick yesterday. There are bound to be others. I can't be the only one. It just doesn't compute, ya know? I've heard the rantings and the arguments. But, they are all bunk. As a so-called 'villain', I'm just going to call bullshit. Not every villain, or hero, is going to want their exploits publicized. Anonymity, safety, and just plain smarts come to mind.
In the case of a hero (a TRUE hero, anyways) who wouldn't want his actions dragged before public scrutiny to be picked apart, dissected and prodded; more power to them (how OFTEN do you hear about the EMT who saves your neighbors life?).. If they know anything about the 'community', it's for good reason. Both sides of the RLSH/SV have been tearing each other down before DAY ONE. A 'new guy' would want to steer as clear of that as humanly possible. And if they aren't costumed.. like a paramedic, it's just your JOB. At best, you get more hours or a commendation. Maybe a little tv time from a broadcast station that takes the time to do a piece on your 'heroics'.
And as for villains.. well, regardless of what has been thrown at me, I still don't see someone proclaiming their 'villain-hood', daring folks to stop them, or taking responsibility for dastardly deeds being a smart idea. Let's touch on that for a moment.
Let's say there's this guy, likes to dress up, claim he robs banks and even names a few he's hit. It wouldn't take long for the FBI, NSA, CIA, JADL, or any other agency to track him down.
Boom.
No more payroll for the henches and he's probably going to have a few dozen new 'friends'. The kind that 'don't take kindly' to folks that wear spandex.
Notoriety is a double edged sword. Sure, people know your name. But, people KNOW YOUR NAME. They know it was you who endangered peoples lives. They know it was you who stole that 'science project'.
They know who to blame and who to punish.
And what? You think that makes you a better person? Makes you a 'big man'? A 'tough guy'? Chances are, you're regretting your decision already. By the time they knock on your door (if they knock), there's already a DA with your half-assed deal waiting when you get downtown.
Now, if you're a criminal.. you probably know those who know your actions are liabilities. They could squeal/snitch/rat you out. How is that going to go over well?
When they cuff you (and likely, they will), you'll only have yourself to blame. But hey, shake your fist inside your cell. The only ones laughing are the other inmates. And they treat supervillains real nice in prison.
Real nice.
If you like that OMG-my-ass-feels-like-20-taco-nights-and-it's-only-day-3-of-my-10-year-sentence feeling.
And still, you don't see Victor Giovanni, 50 yrs old, head of 'family business', contacting the newspapers to tell them goons he hired successfully knocked over a diamond store.
That's just BAD business.
So, heroes and villains, they are out there. Some may be known.. some unknown.
Hell, did your 'career' start when you made your first YouTube video? Your first Blogspot? Your first MySpace or Twitter? No, I doubt it. And you'll probably contradict that position by telling me it was when you were a teenager, right after you stole your first Abba-Zabba. Mine wasn't when I was pushed/tripped/fell into that vat of industrial solvents either, but who's keeping score?
Oh, right.
You are.
Well, there will be more.. and not just the 'caped' variety if you catch my drift.
Leading to...
Escalation.
Übermas was just the beginning. You think excess was celebrated? Ha. We have it in our hearts, probably on our tables, but even Bill Gates is crying over the slight loss he's going to take in 11'. The United States administration has been lying to it's populace before Washington set frozen foot in Valley Forge. And it's the same all over the globe. I guess I could say it's just humans.. doing what they do best. Lying. Manipulating. Keeping the power for themselves and ensuring a decaying rotten world for the rest of us to inherit. I could say it and be right.
But not 100%. So, I need to clarify.
Earth is headed for World War Three.
Shit, its practically happening now.
It's been going on in Africa for almost a decade.
You think North Korea puts a brown spot in your skivvies? Wait till you see what China has in store..
It is inevitable. War will happen, as it always does, and soon, right on your doorstep.
If it hasn't already.
But, instead of world 'powers' teaming up, it will be a true World War.
War.. that blankets the world.
From street to street, suburb to suburb, from ranch to skyscraper, from ghetto to industrial center, from orchard to port.. there will be war.
There will be blood. And I drink YOUR milkshake! I drink it up!
Sorry.
But, good news, in a way.. Everything will go ape-shit (how's that for primate innuendo, Malvado?)!
Music will get even more horribly bland (like THAT'S possible), food will be exceedingly rich and cholesterol packed.. and it will be nigh impossible to simple NOT buy something without paying for it. I don't mean stealing.. or actually purchasing it. I mean paying for it. Your hours will be cut, your pay will be cut, and the prices will increase. You'll have to work harder, longer, for less.. and still pay more.
Everything will be increased and exaggerated. Breaking News! We're sorry to interrupt your Pre-pre show World Talent It-Factor Idol Preliminary Audition Show to bring you the following! A kitten was lost three days ago and still hasn't been found!
Television has already been on the road to oblivion since Medium, so at least that won't distract you.
Just the rest of the sheep. But, that's a good topic.. so let's kind of stick to it...
The Zombie Apocalypse.
Oh yes. I said it.
Zombies.
Okay, maybe not the 'Uhhhhh!' or 'Brains!' variety, but mindless, shambling hordes.
This kinda ties into WWIII. Get rid of your god damn idiot box and stop believing the lies.
You can't trust a human.
You can't trust any of them.
Given the chance.. they will eat you.
Seriously! Get stuck with a few of them.. get to the point of starvation.. suddenly everyone's morals fade and they start eyeballing you like a No. 2 combo at McDonald's. Survival. My ass.
Selfishness.
You humans are going to be the downfall of yourself.
Those of you who read this and see the message.. prepare yourself.
We're at war.
Yep, WWIII.
Us v.s. Them.
I'm not going to end up on the menu.
Are you?
--
A special thanks go out to all those who have been paying attention. I'm moving through this world alongside you all, experiencing the same fears, terror, loves, hatred, excitement, and trepidations that you are. I admire your perseverance in the face of adversity and encourage you to hold fast to your ideals, no matter how loony you may seem. You are not only my peers, but my comrades. I stand (or float) beside you proudly.
Not in any particular order:
Henchman 22, Franklin, Malvado, Unknown464, Lord Malignance, Poop Knife, Crossfire, Overlord, Computer King, John Soares, RevTomFury, White Skull, Vollita, Agent Beryllium, The League of Like Minded Individuals.. and if I forgot anyone and you feel slighted, be sure to harass me in some manner until I relinquish to your demands. If you have WMDs. And perhaps hostages. And 1 billion dollars.
I will respect that.
For in this New Age.. we need you to stand up for yourself.
And I need the money.
And nuclear 'stroke'.
Heh.
Well, here we are. Some of us only hours away. Celebrate it how you will. Excelsior.
Here's how I would handle it. But, this is just me. In the spirit (excess), I have made these few notes.
I might do this for 2011. I don't know.
I'm still trying to get used to having roughly 2 years left on the planet.
If you believe that whole 2012 bull.
And 2011? Seriously?
Where the hell did 2010 go?
Anyways. Back on track.
Übermas is rumored/speculated/surmised/postulated to be about excess. Or at least it should be something about excess, whatever. Let's just go with it and follow along.
I'm sick of holidays. You get a few weeks leading up to the damn thing, chaos and bustling, trying to get ready for it; then one 24 hour period (where you spend maybe half that) to actually celebrate it.
So, screw one day. Screw a week.
We're villains? We take what we want?
Then let's begin negotiations.
And hope you have hostages.
October 31, Halloween. Live it up. The beginning of Übermas celebrations! Trick-or-Treat with the kiddies! Whether you fly solo or are with a group, genuinely go door-to-door or stalk plumped sacks of candy until they pass that shadowy section of Maple Street.. have at it! Eat your fill of sugary tooth-rotting malignancy! (Yes. One knows how sugar affects one's body, after all. Giggling ensues. And yes, LM, I'm looking at you. You cheeky devil. Oh, and before I get too far along..If you use Windows: Hold Alt, type 0220, then release. ;) You're alright in my book.)
Sure, it's a day to remember the dead for some. For others, it's just a way to push their theological ideals and dogma on those who want to have fun (and by fun, I mean gorging on candy and dressing up like the scariest mofo on the block!). But, seriously, the dead really could give a crap less if you remember them or not. They are much too involved with other crap to even notice, really. Some actually care, yeah, but most just wait for the Rapture.
You know. Revelation.
Anywho.
The dead really just want you to live your life. Because they don't really have one anymore. You would think that would make them pay more attention, but it doesn't. Time is weird on the other side. Well, weird by human perception anyways. It may seem like decades to you, but on the other side, it could be like seconds.
Or worse. Longer.
I'm straying again.
Thanksgiving! Whenever that damn thing comes in the years to come. What is it? The 3rd Thursday. (Thanks 22. Keeping the facts straight.) So, yeah. How else to celebrate more excess than to stuff yourself like the turkey? Pack it in there, pally. You only get one body, one life (for now), might as well pack as much turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce in there as you can! With any luck, you'll finally have that stroke or heart attack and meet up with me. I'll save you a spot and show you where all the good haunting spots are (hint: it's not New Jersey).
Take a moment to recognize the villain behind this day: White People. If it weren't for their greed, Americans would probably not have anything to celebrate on this day! If they didn't come to North America, someone else would have.. and no telling how that would have worked out.
Oh, wait. Probably just the same.
So, forget what I said about the white folk.
Remember the Natives who took care of the white folk so less of them would die. Which made a lot of sense considering there were more waiting to 'come over' and it would have made little difference if they all disappeared (see: Roanoke Colony).
Christmas. Ugh. I suggest spending every day kicking the Salvation Army buckets. Maybe not knocking them over, but just giving them a good boot. Yeah, RevTomFury gets credit for this inspirational tidbit. I loved it the minute I heard it. Maybe even put a dollar in first. Just to show your disgust. Because I am disgusted with Christmas. Christians argue that it's not about Christ's birth anymore.. IT NEVER WAS! Well, not really. I'm not going to go into it in depth (for sake of my sanity), but I will say this:
What shepherd has his sheep out in December? Let me rephrase that: What person (shepherd) who takes care of a group (flock) of animals (sheep) would have them outside in December (Winter)?? Christ wasn't even born in December. Or maybe he was. December is actually a mild climate time of year in the supposed region, so, it could have been the 25th. So what? I'm not going to argue over what or who or where or when. I wasn't there. Neither were you. Didn't I say I wasn't going to get into this?
Okay, so, go overboard with the gifting. Make the biggest list possible, put every version of Death Ray™ you can find on it. Put the moon on it for that matter. And if you don't get what you want?
Shake your fist in the air, curse Santa Claus, and vow vengeance. One minion will perish per day until Christmas comes again you fat bastard! Or something like that.
And don't forget your nemesis! Explosives, acid, and viral agents are all acceptable forms of gifts. Just be aware of the local laws concerning the shipment of such things. Nobody wants to get fined for improper handling of hazardous materials. Or face serious jail time, for that matter.
Every day in between! Live it up! We've now got nearly two months to revel in our villainy! Kick over trashcans! Besmirch local heroes! Slap old people! Okay, don't do those things. Just think about them. Okay, don't think about them. Maybe just embrace your opulence and opine your inner-villain. Maybe take some time to be a dick (or cunt, as Agent Beryllium would phrase it).
Übermas! Now, I admit, I had trouble remembering the actual date. But, a great terrible Lord reminds us that Stan Lee was born on this day and that makes it easier. Stan Lee, being one of the many minds (not forgetting Kirby! just in case the EYE sees this) who brought us the first heroes (and villains) should be thanked (or cursed, as you see fit) on this day. I suggest celebrating with a good cemetery 'liberation'! Those in the know (or anyone who's worth their weight in Geddy Lee like hair and voodoo lore), know this means a good ole-fashioned grave robbery. Tuck some corpses under your Motocross chest plate and run 'em back to the Monkey Cages. I'm sure there's some ketchup handy somewheres. Ooh. Got on a tangent. Damnit, Malvado! I'm the one who does the possession around here! LOL
Treat this day above all others! This can be a celebration of your birth (or rebirth) as a villain! In mockery of Christmas, you can now be your own savior! You, who have stood out amongst the sheep, daring the circling wolves to taste your flesh first! You, who have grasped life by it's tiny wrinkly little balls and gave 'em a good twisting! You, who have cast off your former delusions of good and chose to lead (not follow) the path of evil.
So, that's my take on it. I've been meandering around the interweb, reading up on everyone's views and thoughts on the matter. Though I have liked what I saw, I just didn't find anything that fit with me. And that's who really matters. Right?
Malvado has some good advice that you all (heroes, villains, humans alike) should heed. "Find out what works for you and go with it." The man has been portrayed as hated, but I got a soft spot somewhere in this plasm for him. I haven't raised his ire, yet. Heaven (or Hell) help me if I ever do.
And that's what we all should do. So, thanks for reading this far.
Sorry if I caused any migraines.
Or helped any along.
As the year comes to a close, I wish you all a prosperous new year.
With that out of the way, I can now slumber. The holiday holds no fond feelings. I spent too many mornings disillusioned that Santa was going to bring gifts to a good little boy. Ma and Pa said there was no Santa. Even if there was, I was on the naughty list. Yet, I was robbed even of my coal.
And on that note.
Fuck you, Krampussy.
This can't seriously be the first time anyone's heard that one?
Really?!
Well, it's beginning to look alot like Christmas around here.
I would rather stick to the tradition my family always had; tossing me in the corner and feeding me with a slingshot. Christmas brought treasured gifts; bruises, wounds, lost teeth. Ma' and Pa' Wraith were too kind.
They didn't grow themselves quite the bastard son they had hoped for.
Nope.
Done grown'd them a 'throwback'.
This year, I believe Christmas has some menial support through the newest of our employees. They stand vigilant against the biting cold, ringing that stupid bell. I like the color scheme, their outlook on devastating humankind, and their overall negligence in the face of hiring the 'goon squad'.
My army is my salvation.
This upcoming year, I plan to take things back to basics. I've been having meetings of all kinds, filling out paperworks, getting my faxes together and even sent out a few encrypted morse code messages. I don't think I paid too much attention to where they were sent.. or what was in them.. so. Yeah.
Basics. Right.
Make sense.
That's been my apparent problem as of late. Make sense.
I say I'm 'evil'. I say I'm a 'villain'. But, what have I done? What have I done to prove my evil?
Prove. Prove I'm evil.
.
Really?
Aaaaaaaanyways.
I would like to welcome the growing number to the organizations roster list of things.. henchmen.. people. I've had numerous submissions in response to Attn: Henchmen Wanted!
I'm going through them all, honest. Be patient. I'm thinking of a Top 10...
But I don't want to get too 'Letterman'.
I met some seriously funny people, some strange, and some really strange. But, so far, I like this process.
Perhaps we will let it run to infinity and let you send responses and submissions forever.
Ooh. Can't wait for YouTube to turn all Capitalist.
Cha-ching. $ $ $
I also brought some new 'henches', even one I had to hire.
And by 'hire', I mean actually pay.
Not just conscript; I believe some have termed it 'shanghai'? You know? When you put a bag over their head and whack 'em on the base of the.. what?
Anyways, I'll be introducing some of my immediate subordinates.. probably by the time Claus gets here.
Speaking of subordinates, I'm sure some of you are wondering about Franklin.
I don't know why. That sneaky little booger has caused more trouble than he was worth.
Regardless, I found the potential within him.. he is doing just fine.
Although, he does smell a bit more.
The things you can do with Necromancy and Science.
Look it up.
I will possibly write more in the next coming days, expect a video update soon, and will have pictures of the madness that is my life. Well, unlife. Whatever you want to call it.
Before I forget, here's wishing you all very prosperous days in 2011. Work hard, play hard, and make every last moment count.
You never know what tomorrow may bring. Or if there is even a tomorrow. Or if you'll end up a shade of your former self.
Your eyes do not deceive you. I AM Agent Wraith. I come to you from deep within the Earth to bring you a very special report.
The world is changing.
Not breaking news, is it? No. But, the world taking the final step, the world taking notice; the world beginning to strike back, that, is something too few of you have heard. Those few who have discovered the facts rarely, if ever,understand or worse, accept.
The world is changing, we all can see it, and those who are not prepared for the coming events will be swept under the tide. There is an evil, a very ancient evil, that has been riding next to humanity since its first steps upright out of thegenetic cesspool.
Destruction. Death. Oblivion.
It cares not who it takes. It cares not what it takes. All things will pass unto dust and the machinations of this sad pathetic world will be nothing more than cosmic refuse. Before you start jibbering that I'm some kind of 'Doomsday'nut, well, let me just say this:
The end is nigh.
Whut.
You have precious little time left, so start your engines. There were plenty before you, they wasted precious time. We are the ones who will be at the forefront, the ones facing the tempest. Those who fail will be crushed, abashed, disintegrated in the onslaught. Their works will be a foundation that we will build upon so our castles never burn down, fall over and then sink into the swamp.
We should not stand idly by and witness. If futility is what the future holds, I will not simply crouch, I will conquer, I will push forward, I will make every last moment count. I will never back down, I will never give up, I will manifest mydestiny.
Communications on Earth are advancing. Soon, Earth will be able to connect all its peoples in a singular consciousness; blogs, vlogs, internets, interfaces, projectorwebs, etc. will allow all the animals to be a-'twitter'. The world will be watching. But, one must acknowledge something.
Our world is unique. The multitude of improbabilities that our planet surpassed to become what it is now, is simply a miracle. The facts are, that in a universe ever expanding, infinite; somewhere out there, it may have been possible as well. Infinite space, infinite possibility. Infinitely possible.
The eye of the universe is already upon us all. It will watch us, denizens of Earth. It will see how we govern, how we act, what we have done and will do. The future is ours to create. The world will be shaped by our design.
I stand before you today and make this solemn vow. I create a world that will never be forgotten. I hold a grudge against humans, for what they have done, and see them as my greatest enemy. Were it not for their stupidity, greed, and selfishness, this world would be a far better place.
If you didn't read my post about 'evil is in the eye of the beholder', for shame. But, I can't blame you. How are you supposed to keep up with all this crap floating around the internets? Hell, I can't. No one can.
First, I would like to congratulate those responsible for the recent weather patterns. I could say scientists for their creation of some sort of weather-control device, but we all know that's been banned from use in war.
(I'll talk more about 'the war' later.)
Really, I think it's just those humans at it again. Or, what they've been up to since they scrapped the hemp-ethanol engine. Pollution.
Mama-Earth isn't too happy with humans these days. Nope, she's pretty pissed off. And like all true-villains, she's taking her sweet time getting revenge on us all.
Because if you are not helping solve the problem, you are part of it.
On this note, I would like to point out what YOU can do to be part of the solution.
Keep doing what you are doing. This may seem to be a little hypocritical and you may be asking yourself how do I propose this when I just said.. Never-you-mind that.
You stay a zombie, stay plugged into your little microcosm. The television, your tv shows, your entertainment gossip, your endless futile vomit-inducing crap.. keep watching it. Stay blind.
That will keep you out of my way.
I wish sometimes that I could change the planet. When the night gets late, when the sounds die down and all is quiet, when I look outside and see the universe from this tiny miracle of a planet.. I wish things could have been different. That we weren't where we are now.
But then..
I become angry.
You filthy craptastic egotistical selfish little humans. You fucked it all up. You had to have the money, the control, the power. Well, now you've got it all.. but it's not absolute.
Okay, now that I've blabbered on for a minute I can really get down to business. Most will simply disregard the first half, scroll down to the bottom, assume that there is nothing of importance and move on. For most.. That'll do, pig. That'll do.
When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what it's capable of.
There is plenty of war going on right now. But, I want to talk about the war that is secret. The Secret War. And no, you are not going to get some nifty little costume that pops out of a piece of alien tech when yours gets a little shredded.
I'm talking about The War. Not the War on Terror. Shit, that is going to be indefinite. We will never get out of that one. And when I say 'we', I mean everyone. There's always going to be some crazy motherfucker out there who is going to use terror to get what they want. I'm not talking about that stupid thing.
No, I'm talking about the onslaught of the mind.
Audio.. Visual.. warfare. Soon, your rights to see or hear will be taxed. Soon, they will take your freedoms away concerning these two senses. Because, when you can see what needs changed, when you can hear what needs to be done.. you can make that choice: To do, or not to do.
When you have that choice taken from you..
You'll sit there and stay docile.
Now for the part I like to call disassembly of the post to prevent any intelligent being from deciphering what the hell I am going on about. Oh, wait, the problem with that? Even intelligent folk are going to have a tough time with this. Not because they are not intelligent enough, no. Mostly because my post is purposefully random and chronically vapid.
There was a slight breach in my 'villainous' behavior a few days ago, I am slightly confused to admit. I sometimes work in the Civilian Sector, sometimes to ingratiate myself with humans (who will serve later as disposable henchmen; look, I can't explain everything, but there's this agency I was using who decided to discontinue their 'support'..). I was on a mandatory break, enjoying a deliciously evil danish (a pleasantly malicious past-time) when I spotted something I really would never have suspected.
A winkie.
Not just any winkie, an old wrinkly winkie.
This alone startled me. I wasn't expecting (who WOULD?!) some grungy old winkie to suddenly appear in my peripheral and make its way past me.
*shudders*
But then, then I saw why.
Some dirty old man. A pervert who was going to harass a few young ladies with his ridiculous dink. They shouted profanity at him, when they noticed, and even went as far to throw a cigarette at him. For a fleeting moment (a nanosec), I almost felt sorry for him.
But then, I couldn't help myself.
I drop-kicked him to the concrete. I walked back inside, feeling something I reserve usually for private consumption. Happiness. I can almost understand why the capes do what they do. It felt good to dish out a little karma, smack someone down for justice.. wait, wait, wait. NO. No, I didn't do it for justice. I did it for myself. How dare this geriatric fart-stain think he can wave his shriveled dingle in front of me, in front of young women.. being villainous in front of me?? On my turf? I shop here (and recruit minions on occasion) here! I heard that he was taken into custody later. He should be back sometime next week.
And humans. What is your deal, anyways? There are so many of you, some are smart, why haven't you figured it out yet? Okay, let's break it down with facts. There is a planet. The planet has a specific amount of oxygen on it. There are plants on the planet that help recycle this oxygen, turning carbon monoxide into oxygen. There is a specific amount of plants on the planet. There are humans (and other creatures) on the planet that need to consume oxygen to survive. The humans (and other creatures) populating exponentially. Some of these same humans are doing things to cut the oxygen resource.. like polluting, deforestation.. Is someone going to tell me that it's never going to run out? What happens when the people's consumption overtakes the resource? Is that too far off for you? Should I bring food into this? You know that these humans need to eat too, right? Whoops, I didn't put that in my equation either. How about the fact that it takes some significant time to create one of these trees that help recycle? Fact: Trees take longer to grow than humans do.
Hell in a hand-basket? Yup.
Eat it up you fucking worms. You're just another dirt-eater.
Now, Mama-Wraith would probably not be happy with her little ghost boy right about now. She'd probably be shaking a finger at me, griping at me, telling me to think more positively.
And not to use such language.
But.. being a creature of sarcasm and realism. I am thinking positively.
When the world is left a rotten and dessicated husk, those who are well prepared will fare the best. Even if it is only a few minutes more, I'll take that last bit of oxygen to laugh in your dying faces.
