So, tonight, I got myself a good look at my area's RLSH.

I want to first start off by stating this:

Things are about to change.

I'm not sure if it's just luck, or maybe fate, but I happened upon something tonight that blows my mind.

A super hero.  Well, a hero.. with super powers.  Sort of.  I dunno.  I'm not sure what I saw.  But, I've been working on this for an hour now, trying to get all the details from my (still) flummoxed brain.

Yeah, yeah.  What are you going on about, A.W.?  Have you been taking some of Granpa's cold medicine?

No.

And that chills me to the bone.

Here's the facts:

1.  I was incognito (e.g sans costume), so I did little to reveal my presence.  I don't care how villainous you are.. I'm not suicidal.

2.  In the same vein, I have an identity to protect.  I'm not going to do something to reveal who I am so this jerk (who obviously takes life a little too seriously) can follow me home.

3.  The guy is amazing.

Let me set the scene.

It was wet out. LOL. It had been raining the last few hours.

It was also eerily quiet.  I guess it was crappy enough weather to not drive in (finally).

I was heading back to the lair after a brief meeting with some potential recruits (ie. good buddies who I've been chatting with about starting villainous careers), carrying a few bottles of carbonated beverage (I was low on soda), and spotted a familiar scene.  Flashing blue and red lights.  Cops.

There was two squad cars, parked opposite each other, headlights shining on a third vehicle.  I couldn't tell you what the make or model was, but it was sitting in the drainage ditch.  From what I could hear on their radios, there was a woman (coherent/unconscious, I dunno) and they were waiting on a bus.  So T.V., A.W.  I know.

As I walked past (the other side of the street, mind you), I saw an ambulance heading up the road towards them.

Now, none of this seemed off to me.  I didn't slow down.  The boys-in-blue make me nervous.  Passed two apartments and a convenience store with a few looky-loos peeking out.

But then, like something out of a Marble Hornets entry, as I turned back to where I was heading, I saw him.

Just off to the left.

He ducked behind a building a few blocks up.

Now, I wouldn't normally be so bold as to yell out or chase him down; hell, my heart was racing at that point. I thought it was good ole Slendy come to take me to the Other Side.

So, I tucked my knife into my sleeve and headed past where he just was.

I didn't stop, but what I saw when I turned my hooded head made me wish I carried my camera with me.

(As a further note, I remember exactly why I didn't carry it.  The weather was supposed to be crappy with a chance of crap.. I wasn't going to lose another camera to wind, rain, or whatever else Nature was going to throw at me.)

He scaled the building.  Just like that.  Four stories, just, plooooop!  Like Spiderman.  A big fat Spiderman.

Ooh.  Ollie Osnick, minus the arms.

I admit it.  I ran.  So, technically, I only saw him go up from two to three.  But he went up fast.  Like it was nothing (looking back, it was unreal. Like David Blane, unreal. Hmwa.)!

But as I got another block away, I realized I would never live it down.  And as I headed back, I also figured I would have to get pics of this guy somehow.  And probably figure out his deal.

Seriously, not a single freaking hero for almost a decade, now this.

He was perched on the edge, well, sort of peeking.  Not perching.  Watching.  What?  The scene.  I kept my head down, looked up with my eyes only.

I sauntered (as to look inconspicuous, you know?) up to one of the Middle-Eastern men standing outside the apartments and asked him what was going on.

He said, in very broken English, "Some lady wrecked her car."

Hmm.

I figured I would try again.

I asked, "Wow. Wonder why?"

His response?

"She hit someone."

WTF?!?

So, me: "Hit who? I don't see anyone."

He just shrugged.

I didn't even bother asking how this guy knew what he did.  I guessed, and guessed right.

The convenience store had a scanner.

God Bless Paranoid Citizens.

So, after buying some chips and chatting it up with the clerk (I am such a charming fellow), I got this out of the whole deal.

Here's his description.

He was wearing black (go figure).  What's with the heroes wearing black now?  Are we 'villains' the only one with a sense of color?  How do you like that?  I thought the good guys wore white?

Stupid Batman.

He had some sort of big backpack too.  (When he went around the corner, it was just part of his back and a leg.  But when he went up the wall, he had a big fat backpack.  Maybe he was fat too.. but, anyways, just follow me here.)

Motorcycle helmet, black. It didn't look like one to me (custom job?), but I wasn't exactly up close either.

Amazing.

So, this guy causes an accident and runs.  Great job there, guy.  I'm sure that's a broken law.  Fleeing the scene of an accident?  I technically fled, but I didn't cause the sunofabitch.  But, he goes up a wall like he either has extreme hand strength (manual stimulation overload??) or was deceptively light (was that the backpack's deal?)..

I'm confused.  And scurred.

Although, I could just be hallucinating.

Two peyote wafers later, I could see anything.

Now that I mention that, I wonder where my soda went?

Christmas Wish List Item #047

I want this car.

You can read about it here:

http://www.cartype.com/pages/5188/mercedes-benz_biome__2010

Henchmen Wanted!

OMG, it's like Christmas or something!

Agent Wraith... posting twice in a 24 hour period??

Oh, it's gonna get better than that, kiddies.

Where to start?

Brilliant as always.

Oh, I'm serious about it too.  I want you to gather under my banner.  There are some out there who may rival or indeed surpass my greatness (I doubt it, but just in case, I'm sending assassination squads to your house)!  I enjoy the competition.

Here's a little something extra from RevTomFury.  He's this funny cat on YouTube, likes molestering puppets.  Hey, whatever tickles your pickle pally.  He's awesome in that hand-up-felt-buttocks-all-day kind of way.  Like Frank Oz, with less creepy principal going on.  It does establish a sort of continuity though.  Gives my previously posted video above some credence.



We are the new breed of online evil.

Come join me.

-A.W.

ATTENTION INTERNETS!

Now that I've grasped a portion of that lopsided melon shaped thing on your neck, let me slap it a few times for your benefit.

I, humbled and terrified (are you terrified?) reader, am Agent Wraith!

I am a YouTube enthusiast with a penchant for World Domination.. or a World Domination enthusiast with a penchant for YouTube?

I digress.

Greetings!

If you managed to stumble upon this page seeking some form of enlightenment, you did well.  Now, here comes the disappointment.

I don't really know how to begin, I had all sorts of material written in this strange little form, then deleted it, wrote some more, deleted that, wrote something completely different, went outside, threw a rock (the best way to change someone's mind, mind you; disrespectful people and their loud damn stereos!), came back, deleted what was there, closed down the interweb, restarted the computer, and started all over.

You see what I mean?

I can't seem to figure out how to word what I want to say.  So, I'll just say it.

Greetings! (Wait.  What?)
I am Agent Wraith!
In the spirit of the fast approaching ChristmaHannuKwanzaa season, I will be giving gifts!

What gifts, you ask?  Oh, well, sit down Billy, keep your hat on, and I'll tell ya!

The gifts of information!

BOO! Hiss!  BOO!

Shut it.

I will be revealing many truths, tidbits of delicious information, and several secrets!  And no, not the secret about that time at Band Camp.  I was 13, for crying out loud.  I was young and confused and.. eh?  Oh.

If you were wondering (and let's face it, you were, you know you were), I'm working tirelessly on several new projects!  Stay tuned for a YouTube update for more info!

But, just to tide you over.. here's a small list:

1.  Henchman Expo - I have about six to ten levels of this junk.  It's about time I got rid of it.  Yeah, think of it like a garage sale.  A garage sale where you can buy missiles.

2.  Project Pincer -  I've got crabs.  There, I said it.  Hermies, affectionately dubbed by Henchman 22.  Hermit Crabs, you moron!  I see where your mind is.. anyways.

3.  Transdimensional Technology -  Ever since I acquired that handheldable.. handholdable(?).. handheld device.. all sorts of crazy things have been happening.  I'm going to show you what it can do.

4.  ATVDNA -  I know I hinted at this in Ask Agent Wraith Episode 2.  I will reveal my secret weapon against the Vacuum Consortium!  Themselves!

5.  Your mom -  Because she asked me to.

-A.W.

YouTube Poop

I was perusing the interwebs the other day, I think it was Saturday or Sunday, somewhen over the weekend, as per usual.. and I noticed something.  Well, I actually noticed this a long time ago, but it really hit me full force like a semi's grill to Wile E. Coyote.

There's a lot of crap on the internet.

Yeah, I know.  "Duh, A.W.  Where have you been?"

I really mean a lot of crap.

If you are keen on tropes and memes, you've already heard of Rule 34.. But, I think some sort of addendum or revision need be made.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about at this point, go here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rules%20of%20the%20internet

Or here, if you prefer a more meme-defining site:

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/rules-of-the-internet

Or here, if you like a bit of NSFW cynicism.
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Rules_of_the_Internet

Aaaanyways.  The 'Bard' said something once about there being a set number of story themes, or something, which is essentially true, but I think when it comes to the internet a different approach is needed.

It's really a combination of several things.

1. There's always a bigger fish.

Somewhere out there is a tweenager, who can do what you can do, a million times better.  If you're big and strong, they are growing them (sometimes right out of the labs) bigger, stronger, faster, and younger than you.

2.  If someone has thought it, it exists; somewhere on the internet.

This is a revisional paraphrase of Rule 34, with less pornographic tendencies; although, one should keep in mind that those exist as well.  It also hearkens back to 'Big Brother', where nothing you say or do is hidden, secret, or safe and somewhere, someone has already 'stolen' whatever it was you were trying to keep for yourself.  Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

3.  Ah, forget it.

Let's just get down to business.

The majority of humans are so insipid that they have flooded the world with their stupidity.  They have created a socialization that makes it easier (day by day) to share this idiocy, creating viral nonsense that fills bandwidth and hard-drive alike.  Each day they get exponentially dumber, able to spread their goobery duh-duh-duh faster and faster and faster, and that's just on the internets.

YouTube is only the tip of the idiot iceberg.

Ok, so the things I have been posting on YouTube are just as insipid.  I'm not helping the environment.  I'm not promoting activism or global change.  I'm not utilizing my FREE SPEECH to promote intelligent or spiritual growth, governmental revision, or social reform.  One could argue, with little effort, that I'm just dumping my own piece of YouTube Poop onto the ever growing pile of refuse on the internet.

You are right.

But, if you have come to this conclusion, you're smarter than 90% of the people I am forced to interact with on a daily basis.  You have managed to see through the (trying) hilarious lunacy that I have graced (forced) you to deal with.

I guess I could be called a hypocrite.  But, I really don't want you to change.

As long as there are idiots flooding the channels, drawing you into their mind-numbing lives or tropes, I'll be waiting in the shadows.

Lull yourself into a false sense of security.

I'll be waiting.

Ask Agent Wraith - Episode 2

Stewing the Evil

Alright folks.  Let's get down to business.  What's that title mean?  'Stewing the Evil'  Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Agent Wraith?!?

First, let me break this down.  I see the internet as a window for stupidity to look through.  Some of you out there may not grasp the things I say, so, as a preliminary attack, I will explain a few things.
stew  

v.intr. stewed, stew·ing, stews

1. To undergo cooking by boiling slowly or simmering.

2. Informal To suffer with oppressive heat or stuffy confinement; swelter.

3. Informal To be in a state of anxiety or agitation.

4. Informal Mental agitation: in a stew over losing the game.

Good.  I hope you managed to get through that with little trouble.  I know reading can be difficult for some, but let's not pick on the dyslexic or illiterate.  That can be saved for a later time.

Now, for the next part.  I feel it would be a total waste of time to explain 'the'.  Seriously? If I have to explain this.. How the HELL did you manage to operate a keyboard?!?  Did someone direct you to this website deliberately to torture you?  I can see it, you hunched over, squinting and staring through your thick glasses, making a disgustingly wet snort because of a serious lack of hygiene... trying to read.. frustrated.. that you can't.

That could define evil.  But, just for integrity (LOL).. let's do this:

e·vil

adj. e·vil·er, e·vil·est

1. Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant.

2. Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful: the evil effects of a poor diet.

3. Characterized by or indicating future misfortune; ominous: evil omens.

4. Bad or blameworthy by report; infamous: an evil reputation.

5. Characterized by anger or spite; malicious: an evil temper.

Hrm.  This is a conundrum.

Okay, so now (hopefully) you have a good head on your shoulders (I use the term 'good' loosely here) and have figured out, at least, where I'm headed.

I find the query, 'Are you a RLSV?' absolutely redundant.  The thought of being a 'villain' amuses me, yes.  But, do I claim, aspire, or even dare dream of being a 'RLSV'?

In short? No.

I am a villain.  Perhaps a definition of villain is needed?  No, I don't think I will bother you with another lesson on the human language.  I will instead, summarize.

Most (and this probably refers to YOU, dear reader) couple 'villain' with 'evil', as it somehow relates.

I am here to tell you this very simple adage:

Evil is in the eye of the beholder.

What?  That's not how it goes?  Then let me continue to explain it to you.

Evil, in most of it's forms, is subjective.

Sure, by definition, one could ascertain that 'evil' is a 'bad' thing.  I mean, bad things happen.  That's evil right?  Oh, you want to throw morality in it?  I see, now I have to justify that.  In order to commit 'evil', there has to be a higher level of consciousness to dictate a moral negative?  Events that are harmful or 'bad' do not have to be composed or instigated by some malignant schemer, bent on destruction.  'Evil' can be any 'bad' event.

But then, how do you address the 'moral' implication?

My statement: 'Evil is in the eye of the beholder' needs clarification.

Not all 'villains' are simple 'evil' creatures.  'Evil' itself is not so easily bound by the (desperate) human need to organize, clarify, and label everything.

Is nature evil when it conjures a tsunami and wipes out several chains of islands?  Is it evil when those said islands contain a hundred thousand inhabitants?  Let's say 90% of those inhabitants die.  Is it 'evil' then?  Let's say those inhabitants are considered 'primitive' by 'modern' human society.  Is it 'evil' then?  Is it less 'evil'?  Let's complicate things more by saying the islands were rife with starvation.  The island could not support the population and the strain on the wildlife was eradicating them to the point of extinction.  Were the inhabitants 'evil'?  What if the surviving 10% can now support themselves comfortably?  Is this an example of 'evil'?

How about this one?  A man, dressed in a grim visage, hiding his identity, makes it his nightly duty to beat the living crap out of anyone who attempts to mug someone.  He spends each night prowling the streets, searching, stalking, seeking a target to pound into paste.  Some could say:  "Whoa!  That's inappropriate!  He shouldn't be doing that!  That's 'evil'!"

But, let's add some more backstory.. This man, when young, witnessed his parents murdered by a mugger.  He vowed from then on to 'right the wrongs' and deliver his own brand of 'justice'.  Does this make him less 'evil'?  Or just 'Batman'?  Are his methods 'evil'?  Hmm..

A man, gifted with super-strength, flight, and speed, pledges to make the world a better place by using his powers to save the world.  He can be on one side of the world one minute, saving thousands from a volcano and then on the other side, saving thousands from an earthquake.  But, he can't be everywhere at once.  Is he 'evil' for not saving everyone?  Is he selfish for choosing to save one over the other?  Does saving anyone make him less 'evil'? Or just 'Superman'?

Although some can vindicate the moral 'evil' dilemma and say that some 'villains' are 'evil' for evil's sake, not all 'villains' are so.  Some 'villains' are not 'evil'.  Even their methods and actions cannot be seen as evil.  Sure, Hitler was considered 'evil' because of his attempted eradication of all Jews.  But, from his standpoint, from his perspective, he was not considered evil.  Now, before you jump all over me, screaming for my head on a pike, take a breath, untie your panty knots and listen.

Hitler believed what he was doing was right.

I'm not saying I agree with it.  Far from it.  I'm saying he (and several thousand others) thought he was doing the right thing.  The opposite of 'evil'.  That's not saying what he did, or helped instigate, was right.  Just that the 'evil' was subjective.  Obviously, someone (or some-thing) out there thought the Jews needed smiting.  Come to think of it, Jews, or 'God's Chosen' could have been 'chosen' to suffer that atrocity.  I'm not saying Jews need smiting, I'm just suggesting the possibility that God might have had something to do with it.  That wacky Supreme Being.. you can never understand why things happen.  It's a dastardly thought.  But a thought that relates to my adage.

Evil is in the eye of the beholder.

Now, as far as Hitler and the Jews are concerned, I think he was headed in the right direction.  Wait, I'm not agreeing with Hitler.  Let me finish.

Actually, let me explain something first.

There is one creature on this planet that has been an undeniable (yet has incessantly done so) 'evil'.  This creature has bred until it cannot feed itself or its young.  It has bred to the point where it can kill thousands, even millions of its own kind and not make a dent.  It consumes resources at an exponential rate and destroys said resources to make itself comfortable.  It destroys the environment it lives in, not for food, for convenience.  It has done things to itself and other creatures that could indeed be quantified as unadulterated evil.  It continues to do these things until it has no effort, drive, want, need, or inclination to do so, then moves to a new place and starts all over again.  This creature has justified its own brand of 'evil' as 'progress' to get away with it and labeled themselves as the moral high ground to rule and conquer everything on the planet.

Hitler should not have narrowed his scope to the Jews.

Humans are the true evil of this planet.  Humans, who have raped, abused, tortured, maimed, and perverted our planet.  Their laws, while sometimes helpful, serve only themselves, mostly to create a hierarchy of morality with which all of them are judged.  This could have been a good thing, but humans fail miserably at being all-knowing.. which is kind of necessary to qualify judgement.

So, no, I do not believe that what I see myself becoming as 'evil'.

Agent Wraith on Earth, mix in some injustice, insanity, and a healthy dose of intelligence and ingenuity, let simmer for a few decades.  Serves all humanity..

..by killing them all.

LOL